Last month I was called in for an audition for a large Asian television network.
They were casting a made for TV film based on the life of a famous designer, and they contacted me to audition for the role of her friend who was "blonde".
When I arrived a bunch of heinously dressed "actresses" were milling around a big room.
A tiny Japanese girl greeted me "hewwo!", then said something I had trouble deciphering because of her bad English.
Ohhhhh, sign in and fill this out?... Take my head measurement for hats? OK!
I looked around at the other girls who were filling out there info sheets furiously.
Once they were done, they all starting jumping up to get the measuring tape like bulimics after a box of cookies.
I sat and watched all the bitches measure each others heads, amused.
My info sheet had a 33 on the back, and girls had started to line up by numbers to go into the audition room.
It was a long boring wait.
After 25 minutes of listening to these chicks blab on about guy troubles, and try to one up each other about acting jobs they had done, I put my iTunes on.
I tried to ask the audition monitor if she had sides, but she didn't understand that word in English I guess.
"Size? Whaaa? Sieees? Pieees?"
Oh my god, Forget it.
When it was time to go upstairs, they crammed a bunch of us into an elevator.
We got off on the 19th floor and sat in the entry way of the TV Network and waited again.
Finally they called us in the room six at a time.
The director and her assistant were sitting at a big wooden desk.
They had us all hold up our number sheet and took pictures.
Then they asked if we would all color our hair black for the movie.
Whoa! Hold the egg roll lady,this is a non paying gig!
All the other girls said they would.
I told them they called me into audition for the blonde friend part,but I would wear a wig if needed??
I mean seriously do they understand how bad black hair would look with my complexion?!
"ooooooo wokay" they said.
Then they launched into explaining what they wanted us to do for the audition.
"Dis desk is caw wreck an you aww verdy sad because you boyfriend in caw die.
You feel caw and be cwying."
I looked around the room to see if I was to only one about to burst out laughing.
The other bitches were taking it totally seriously. I thought I was in a bad SNL skit. Or I was being punked or something.
We were sent out of the room and they called in the first girl to do her melodramatic scene.
Then minutes later, it was my turn.
I was still trying to suppress my laughter when I heard "AWCTION!"
Somehow I managed to pull it together for two minutes to feel up the desk, and pretend to be sad about my dead boyfriend inside of it.
It was probably one of the worst auditions I have ever done.
Walking back to the subway afterwards my mother called.
I told her I had just auditioned for a Asian network TV movie.
She didn't ask how I did, or wish me luck. Instead she said:
"You had better be careful about auditioning for those Asians!
Don't you watch 60 Minutes? They tell you it's an audition then shoot you up, and ship you in a box to Asia!" You'll become an Asian Prostitute!"
And then I went home.