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Sunday, August 16, 2009

Adult Party

My mom called me last week, and told me that she had been invited to an adult party. I didn't think too much of it. I figured it was probably some kind of singles night at a bar.
I didn’t ask her to explain any further, since her standard response to all my questions is "none of your business, all you do is talk about yourself."

Lately, my mom has been looking for a new man to date. She’s been on Match.com, and just joined E-Harmony. Her username is MakeASexyWishGal69, or something like that.
She took 15 years off her age on the profile, which would have made her 10 when she had my sister. I guess she skips the kid’s section.

When one of her "true match" profiles said he had a tattoo, all hell broke loose. She wrote E-Harmony a nasty email complaining about how she requested none of her matches have tattoos. She told them for all the money she had spent; they had damn well better only fix her up with men her profile approved.
It must have been a good letter, because she got a response a day later apologizing, and giving her a set of new matches. If there's one thing I inherited from my mother it's complaining. If there were a gold medal in team complaining, we would win it every 4 years.

So, I assumed maybe this adult party was an event that one of her True Matches had invited her to. I was starting to think it was a swinger's party or something even weirder.
Finally, she called me on Sunday, to tell me about the party.

"So I went to the adult party with my girlfriend, and it was really relaxed and we had drinks. My cat's litter box was full, and she pooped on my bed to protest, so it has not been a good day…. One time in my party days, I drank the worm out of a Tequila Bottle. Did I ever tell you that?”
My mom rides on the local thought train that makes every stop. In random order. I had to get her back to the adult party.
It was an adult toy party.

“There were a bunch of those vibrators and dildos and sex toys on display. You could order them to buy if you wanted, but I didn't get any! I think I'm going to have my own adult party soon. Once I get the shipment of vibrators I’ll be good to go.”

While most people's Moms are hosting Tupperware parties, my Mom is having a house call from Toys in Babeland.
I forgot to ask her if I could get a friends and family discount.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Sex And The City 2 Cattle Call


Today one of the well known extra casting agencies in NYC held an open call for the Sex and The City 2.
The bitches were out in full force, and so were all the wack job people who just want to be in a movie.
I haven't done background work in years, but since I had nothing better going on today, I figured why not.
For those of you who don't know, doing background work is a tedious job.
Anyone can do it, and you should never put it on an acting resume.
You can be called to set as early as 4 a.m. and leave at 2a.m. the next day all for a day rate of $93.00 as non Union.
SAG members get paid much more for a days work, and get way better craft service.
When I arrived about an hour into the non union open call time, the line wrapped around the block, across an entire avenue, and down two more city blocks.
My SAG friend had been calling me with updates on the line before I arrived, but during my subway ride apparently things had gotten worse.
It was a madhouse.
Old ladies, crazy stage moms with 3 year olds, drag queens,drug dealers, and occasionally an actor were all waiting to be seen.
I took a deep breath and got in line. I kept telling myself, "you made it on Splash Mountain once with no fastpass, you can handle this.
It was 90 degrees outside and my Bare Minerals makeup was dripping off, turning from powder foundation to liquid.
The line moved forward very slowly and random people with video cameras and personal cameras kept taking pictures and videos of everyone in line.
Every time they got near me I turned my face away, hoping not to be documented at a cattle call.
As the line finally neared our entrance all the bitches started touching up makeup, brushing hair, and pulling there skirts shorter.
Some of the outfits were super skanky, and I think saw some hooha flashing action.
A couple of NYFD guys were standing in the firehouse garage checking out all the girls going by.
Even though I had my headphones in an obnoxious thirty something guy in front of me started talking. He had a head shot with his name written in Sharpie on the front.
"Hey, what are you listening to? Hopefully not Britney Spears she sucks. Did you see me on America's got talent? I got three X's like right away, but at least I was on T.V.! And I met Nick Cannon and he talked to me."
Then he started singing a song about how Britney Spears sucks.
If I could have given him three giant neon red X's to make him shut up I would have.
Thank goodness moments later the line moved again, and I was able to escape.
Once inside things were no better. The single lines had turned into a giant blob of people, all pushing to get to the front. Every time the crowd moved I was squished further in, like I was at a rock concert. I've never felt claustrophobic before, but I was starting to be at that point.
For at least ten minutes I couldn't move, and since so many people were in the room it was getting very hot making matters worse.
An older woman behind me kept on blabbing on to anyone that would listen about how many famous people she knows, how much work she gets, and how she almost got a lead in a soap opera 20 years ago.
Then she pulled out an 8x10 head shot that she took of herself in the bathroom mirror.
At that point I didn't know whether to feel more sorry for myself, or the casting people who had to filter in these 6,000 freaks all day long.
Finally I moved inside to an area with three casting tables.
I got into one of the three separate lines and quickly got to the table to hand over my head shot, and had a digital photo taken.
2 hours and 45 minutes in line for 20 seconds.

My feet were killing me from my high heels, and I headed out in search of a Falafel.
Photos of the bitches, firefighters, crazies, and extra skanky outfits at the cattle call are below for you to enjoy.