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Monday, December 28, 2009

A Very Brady Christmas

Over the years, my extended family who once celebrated Christmas together, has become segregated into tiny clans.
My cousins, aunts and Uncles all celebrate with there own section, and my Christmas is spent strictly with my Mom, Sister and her husband.
Last year my boyfriend came home with me for the first time, which boosted our numbers to an all time high of five.
After spending the holiday with us last year, I was shocked that he actually wanted to come back.

Though there are just five of us, it somehow happens every year that each person gets 16 or more gifts, PLUS at least two Christmas stockings from various people.
When I tried to suggest limiting our excessively high gift number this year to four per person, my sister said "How about I you get nothing, you ungrateful shit", so I gave up one that idea.

So on December 23rd, we packed the car and trunk full of gifts until it looked like Christmas had explosive diarrhea in it, and started the slow drive from NYC to Maine.
Unfortunately the Massholes decided to do construction, and shut down 2 lanes on one of the busiest travel nights of the year, so we didn't get to Maine until after midnight.

At 5:30 the next, and every morning thereafter we were woken up by my sisters cat who is about 110 years old. She has kitty dimensia and was howling HEWOOOO! HEWOOOO! HEWOOOO!. Someone had to yell her name to make her shut up. My boyfriend asked if we could throw her in the washing machine. So much for sleeping in.

With the arrival of Christmas Eve also came highly unanticipated arrival of my mother.
Santa's crazy elf arrived in her 1984 Buick wearing an outfit made of silk, sequins, cordoroy and velvet. Clinton from What Not To Wear would have a brain anuerism from looking at her.
We all wondered what we would get from 99 cent heaven this year.
Last Christmas my big gift was a set of four Magarita glasses that only had three.
Where the fourth glass should have been was stuffed with tissue paper.

"Hi, how does my hair look?" my Mom asked as she walked in the door. "Someone go unload my car for me, I just had the drive from hell getting here, and I am on the Z Pack!"

Later that night my sister whipped out a Gingerbread TOWN making kit, and told us we were going to have a mini gingerbread house making competition.
Since i'm the creative one I knew my house would kick ass.
When my mother couldn't figure out how to make a house out of her four pieces of gingerbread she cheated and used crackers, and other items from our appetizer trays.
Her house ended up looking like one of her 70's acid trips.

Later my family tried to teach me how to play Poker, but I kept on singing Lady Gaga "pa pa pa poker face pa pa poker face" so I didn't catch on that well.
My Mom tried to teach us Acey Deucey but she forgot some of the rules so it didn't make sense. When my boyfriend tried to tell her she got all pissed and almost had a crying meltdown.
"I THINK I KNOW HOW TO PLAY A STUPID CARD GAME, GET OFF MY ASS!"
I was so excited that someone had pissed her off and for once it wasn't me.
After we had downed the minimum amount of Egg Nog Rum and Vodka required to survive the night, it was time for bed.

Christmas morning we had NYC bagels with Lox and caviar cream cheese for breakfast, while my Mother sulked because "she made banana bread for us to eat for breakfast".
"I don't know why you are unemployed, why don't you just get a job in The Rockettes?"
"Well first off, I don't remember you putting me in tap class at two years old Mom."
Then she told me I had a bad attitude. I poured some Captain in my hot cocoa and tried to block her out.

We all started opening gifts but my Mom insisted we save hers for last, like a dollar store cherry topping for our Christmas.
My first gift was a basket filled with four tiny doll sized sweaters on hangers.
"They are tree ornaments" my mother told me. "yeah or fetus sweaters!" I replied. She didn't think that was funny.

My mother opened all of her gifts, and loudly proclaimed "what did you get me this for?" when she got something she didn't like.
Obviously disappointed thus far with her loot, she stopped unwrapping and said "WHERES MY DIGITAL CAMERA? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUYING ME ONE!"

I thought about not telling her to unwrap the next gift which was the camera, but for some reason still gave it to her.

My boyfriend gave me a new laptop and won Christmas.

After dinner my Mom spent a half hour in the kitchen trying to set her new digital clock, but was getting annoyed that it wouldn't stop blinking.
My sister went to try and help her,but my mom got mad and stomped up the stairs and locked herself in the bedroom for two hours.
By some miracle of sweet baby jesus I wasn't the one to ruin Christmas this year, my sister had!

We were all sitting on the couch when my Mom made her return appearance, hysterical crying and chugging a Bud Lime.
"You all make Christmas suck, and are mean to me and I didn't even get to go to church!"
I tried to calm her down but "Why are you sad we bought you a digital camera!" didn't work.
My family slowly trickled out of the room leaving me alone.
I finally escaped a half hour later to find my boyfriend in the kitchen drinking vodka, my sister hiding upstairs in her bed with the covers over her head, and my brother in law on his laptop next to her.
"I can't believe you left me alone down there!' I said as I jumped in the bed and put the covers over my head. "You totally ruined Christmas!"
We thought about calling my boyfriends cell phone to tell him our hiding spot, but he found us on his own.

Just as the boys were heading downstairs to do damage control, my Mother came marching into the bedroom.
We kept the covers over our head and stayed really quiet, but somehow she still saw us! Shit!

"Why are you both in bed?"

My sister lied and said she had a headache, in a lamo attempt to make herself look good.
I sat up and grabbed my egg nog and rum.
My Mom sat with her Bud Lime on the other side of my sister- who was still refusing to expose her head.

At that point between her Xanex and beer she had chilled out a bit, and we just listened to her ramble on about how we suck as daughters.

We finally went downstairs, and were able to spend the rest of Christmas drama free, watching a Twilight New Moon bootleg.
I hung my fetus sweaters on the tree, and Christmas 2009 came to an end as the cat yelped HEWOOO, HEWOOO into the night.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The Christmas Bitch

During my first few weeks of college, I applied for a job at the school's Library as a "Library Tech". I didn't know what I would be doing but it sure made me sound smart!

I didn't really care how I made money, as long as I could save up for my first head shot session, which would surely make me a superstar. Looking back, those first black and white head shots didn't make anything accept the bad head shot wall of fame.
During my first few shifts at the Library, I was trained in the Dewey Decimal System, which is some way to complicated crap that I still don't understand.
My co-workers were other students, and my two managers,Shasquanda and Pedro, who had real desks behind our little kiosk area.
Some of my daily duties were signing up students up for new Library cards, shelving books and asking everyone to pay late fee balances when they checked items in and out.
I worked there for close to three months, without much drama.
Come December, I was excited when we had a sign up for a Christmas Secret Santa Swap.
We had to put three items under $40 on our list, for the person who picked our name.
The girl who's name I drew wanted GAP perfume or DVD. Easy enough.
I still didn't know NYC very well but I schlepped all around on the trains trying to find the perfume to buy her,ending up at South Street Seaport.
When I finally found it they had a large size ($45) and a smaller one for about $25.
I bought the smaller size one because I was broke, wrapped it in a cute gift bag and added some festive X Mas candy. Obviously, I had yet to discover China Town vendors.
When we all got back to work after Christmas break, no one would talk to me.
I got a few cold hello's and a bunch of dirty looks.
I had no idea what was going on, until a few days later I got an Instant Message from a co-worker.

BUSTABKLYNBOI666:
"How could u give that small perfume as a gift u should have gotten the large one she wanted, that was cheap yo"

The girl had complained to everyone I worked with, including the managers that I hadn't spent enough on her secret Santa gift.
I had been officially ousted from the library tech inner circle.
I had been branded as the cheap, mean, ungiving, unthoughtful, nativity set burning Christmas bitch.
About a 15 days later the manager who was close friends with the girl, told me that I was shelving books in the wrong order. Shashquanda gave me an ultimatum.
Take a "credited" course on the Dewey Decimal System, which I would have to pay for out of my pocket, or be fired.
I guess the perfume had tipped them off that I didn't have much money so this was a sure way to get rid of me!
Those Fuckers!
I stood there wishing the Christmas spirit of baby Jesus to strike them dead.
For the crap they were paying me, it would not have been worth my while to pay for the class.
On the other hand, I don't think there is a class in the world that could make me understand the dewy decimal system.
I sadly packed my belongings, and left my first smart sounding job.

I'm to traumatized to ever sign up for another Secret Santa.