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Thursday, July 08, 2010

DVR Wars


For all of my life I have been the anti marriage and anti cohabitation poster girl. As a ten year old I can remember telling my teacher that my goal was to be married “eight times like Elizabeth Taylor”- to which she replied “Well you had better get started then!”

My current reasoning for anti cohabitation has been that I love my personal space, alone time, and independence. I love having a bed to myself and staying up until 3 a. m. to watch TV and use the internet’s whenever I feel like it. But most importantly I love having full DVR control.

On May 1, 2010 one of these anti’s dramatically changed and altered my freedom forever. After over three years of dating my current boytoy, I took the plunge and moved into his small Brooklyn Heights studio apt.

This moving in together thing was not a decision we made easily, or took lightly. As two indecisive Pisces, it actually took us over 14 months of debuting and kvetching, before we came to the decision that I would not renew my lease for a fourth year in Bed Stuy.

When moving day finally rolled around, I sat in my empty bedroom contemplating. It had previously been filled with so much pink that it looked like Barbie’s dream house. After selling the majority of my pink furniture on Craigslist, I felt like was being sent to the execution of my freedom and girlyness. When after four hours of waiting, my movers never showed up or called back, and I was starting to think it was a bad omen. Luckily my boytoy rented a last minute Zip Car van, and pulled into my driveway like superman to save the day.We sluggishly moved everything ourselves down a three floor walkup, and got rear ended on the way to his apartment by a person who drove away. Bad omen number two? Things just had to get better than this.

Once inside, we moved my mattress and piled it on top of my boyfriend’s bed and box spring to decide which was less comfortable, and would be sold. I climbed up onto the gigantic pile of beds; hoping things would take a turn for the better. I quickly fell into an exhausted deep sleep upon my mattresses, like the Princess and the Pea.

As the following days progressed, I slowly unpacked my life into the old bachelor pad I now called home. It was becoming more girly and decorative with every second, and I was really starting to feel comfortable.

But everything suddenly changed one evening, when I settled in with some Merlot,pita and hummus to watch one of my guilty pleasures. “Kendra” on the DVR.

My boyfriend who had been previously occupied on his laptop looked up and said “Seriously?... I am not watching this. This crap is an insult to your intelligence.” This was coming from the guy who watched and enjoyed The Jersey Shore, and Real Housewives Of New Jersey? I explained to him that certain fluffy reality shows make me happy, and I didn’t want to think while I watched them because they are fun. He then told me if I wanted to watch those shows I would have to do it when he is at work, and said “If it makes you happy I’m sad and ashamed for you, because it really speaks ill of you as a person.”

The pita I was dipping in hummus then flew straight at his head, and I went into meltdown mode.

I said “I live here now, and you have no right to tell me what to watch on TV, or insult me for what I watch! I am paying half of the cable bill, and I will DVR whatever I want to. You are acting like an arrogant douche, and if you ever pull this again this pita will go straight up your ass!

And just like that, our first domestic fight ended. I had won the battle and laughed the night away with my girl Kendra on EHD.

When soon after TIVO asked me to override TopGear for The View, and Nova for Grey’s Anatomy, I selected the “Hell Yes” option. My boyfriend returned the favor by deleting my season passes to Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Dancing With The Stars for The Colbert Report. More flying pita and arguments quickly ensued but the DVR wars had not been won just yet.

We soon came to realize that for two people, we watch a freakish amount of Television every week. With a total of over twenty shows, it quickly became impossible to DVR all of them due to conflicts. We would probably need three DVR’S to run simultaneously to record a satisfactory amount for the both of us.

We are now two months into our new living arrangements. Negotiations and bargaining tactics have ended The DVR wars, and the flying pita has been grounded until further notice. We have come to an agreement that with the help of TV Shack, HULU, and varying schedules, our TV needs can and will be met.

I don’t think that either one of us thought that a DVR war would be our first and only major issue of cohabitation. Everything else has gone surprisingly well, and we sometimes wonder why we waited so long to take a step which was much less dramatic than anticipated. My problems only will truly be solved when in the future, when TIVO creates a boyfriend delete safe mode.